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Selected Quotes for The Venture Bros. Episode,

The Trial of the Monarch

(Hank and Dean are saying 'Mecha-Shiva' repeatedly in the background)
The Monarch: Wait a minute! That's insane! They're total liars. I kept my mouth shut when Dean said he could read Sanskrit, and when Hank said he wanted a piece of him, I was like 'Fine. Whatever.', but Mecha-Shiva? No way! They are so lying, I'm innocent!

The Monarch: Well, Hank, what's it like to be a... liar. Huh? You like being a liar with pants constantly on fire?
Tiny Attorney: Objection you honor, leading.
The Monarch: I'll rephrase that: Hank are you a liar?
Hank: No sir, I don't think so.
The Monarch: Yes you are!
Dean: You're the liar!
The Monarch: And may I remind you, that I am rubber and you are glue and whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.

Dr. Orpheus: How sweet, a Bible. Well, if you don't mind sir, I have book of my own for this little ritual.
(Pulls out Necronomicon, Dr. Venture slaps head)
Dr. Orpheus: Keep your fingers clear of it's mouth, he's a nibbler.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you ... whoever.
Dr. Orpheus: I SWEAR IT!
Tiny Attorney: Dr. Orpheus, could you tell the court what it is that you do? You're a type of magician?
Dr. Venture: Oooo, they have no idea what they're in for.
Dr. Orpheus: Well, if you must call me that, yes. But if you are after mere parlor tricks you will be sorely disappointed, for if I reach behind your ear, it will not be a nickel I pull out, BUT YOUR VERY SOUL!
Dr. Venture: Good night ladies and gentlemen, you've been a great crowd.

Judge: You're on thin ice, but do you get off the ice? No, you jump up and down like a lunatic having a..a conniption fit. Now if it was up to me, you'd have been in chains an hour ago. But this is a trial by jury and it's up to your peers...
The Monarch: Peers?
Judge cont'd: decide this.
The Monarch: PEERS?! How dare you! That repulsive display of humanity out there? NO WAY!

The Monarch: This all started soon after 'The Flight of the Monarch' was published. A mean little tell-all-book filled with nothing but lies and pictures of also lies.
(Cutscene to The Monarch's Floating Cocoon)
Number 24: A book?
The Monarch: No, but you would think it was right? You can read it like a book, here I'll show you:
The Monarch reading:'...riffling through his pockets for change, the Monarch accidentally launches a sodium-pentothal tipped dart deep into his own thigh. Upon hearing a girlish symphony of shrill wails, a waitress comes to his aid..'
Number 24: Told you!
Number 21: You told me he wouldn't find out.
Number 24: You're such a d*ck, you put his face on the cover!
The Monarch reading: *there she was subjected to a lecture concerning her weight problem and the evils of over* '...plucking her eyebrows.'
The Monarch: Oh, it's almost exactly like a book. There's even some pictures, here's one of me a Danceteria making out with Stiv Bators and Lydia Lunch. (closes book) But this is not a book, this is a suicide note. Good news! The euthanasia will be carried out by me. The author has twenty minutes to seek my aid before I just KILL all of you. You'll find me in my room... crying!

The Monarch: TEARS!? YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME! You know that sick deformed know he was pounding his invisible meat all ov...
Dr. Venture: That's it! Objection! Your Honor, I have children listening to this potty talk!
Judge: Sustained. I want that last bit stricken from the record. And my mind.

Brock Samson: Get down on the floor and hold your breath!
Dean: But there's peepee on the floor!
Brock: I said get down! *shoves Deans face to the floor*

Dr. Orpheus: Do not be too hasty entering that room: I HAD TACO BEEEELLLLL FOR LUNCH!!!

Brock: Boys, don't touch that. That clue's been in someone's mouth. That clue's filthy.