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Selected Quotes for The Venture Bros. Episode,

The Lepidopterists


[After seeing the Ventronic Assemble]

The Monarch: "What the fuck is that thing?!"

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: "I-I think it's a giant robot, with an ice cream cone for one of it's arms."


[After zapping Ventronic with the Lightening Cannon]

The monarch: "Awww, the lightning cannon sucks! Who loaded it with robot food?


[After Ventronic slashes the Cocoon]

Jonas Venture Jr.: "How about this? I give you twenty seconds to kiss your wife for the last time, then I finish you off, Mr. Evergreen"

The Monarch: "I-I'm the Monarch."

Jonas Venture Jr.": "Oh, the flying pine cone is a..."

The Monarch: "Cocoon."


The Monarch: "I'm Trying to Arch here, this is how it's done! I-I don't know, w-what are you doing, retard?!"

Ned: "No, no word!"

Jonas Venture Jr.: "Yes, it is Ned."

The Monarch: "Did he just cut me off?!"

Jonas Venture Jr.: "Retard is a hateful word, we don't use those slurs here."

The Monarch: "I'm your archenemy, I'm not going to use "Bungling Boo" Or "Meddling kids", it's not my style. That guy needs to get a thicker skin!"

Jonas Venture Jr.: " Thicker skin? Poor Ned has skin that's three inches thick. How do you think that makes him feel?"

The monarch:" Itchy? I don't know, just keep it cat and mouse. Not cat and missile."


Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: "Then the guild steps up their game! You throw a rock, they throw a knife. You throw a knife, they come to your house, when you're sleeping, and murder your family."


The Monarch: "How'd that look? Did they see the fire?"

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: "I don't think we're fooling anyone."


Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: "I-I-I got to ask this. Is there a reason you always use Twenty one and Twenty four?"

The Monarch: "I know it sounds crazy, but, they both have that rare blend of expendable and invulnerable that makes for a perfect henchman."


Henchman 21: "Alright, please tell me you know what a Dark S-Seven Maneuver is."

Henchman 24: "Uhh, I think it's when a-"

Henchman 1: "The 'Dark' prefix indicates it's a stealth maneuver, The 'S-Seven' indicates-"

Henchman 21: "Dude, who are you? 24 and I work as a duo!"


Watch: "...But really, it's not our problem. Guild of Calamitous Intent handles Antagonist relations only!

Jonas Venture Jr.: "Well who handles the 'Good Guys'?"

Ward: Woah!I Think the less hurtful term is 'Protagonists'."

Jonas Venture Jr.: "Oh yes, sorry. Who handles the protagonists?"

Watch: "What're you serious? O.S.I.. Duh. "

Jonas Venture Jr.: "Can you patch me through?"

Watch: "Oh, sure, j-just let me get my red phone -- The hotline!"

Ward: "No, I'll sign the O.S.I. Signal."

Watch: "No, no, no. If we really believe, and click our heels, the magic-"

Jonas Venture Jr.: "Okay, okay, I get it!"

Watch: "Newbie. You see his creepy little body?"

Ward: Oh my god, when you were a kid, did you ever make G.I. Joe hump Rainbow Bright?"

Watch: "Yeah."

Ward: "He's what their kid would have looked like."


The Monarch: "Do you trust me?"

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: "N-Kind of."


The Pirate Captain:"Oh, I guess I shouldn't finish that giant cocoon I was building and-Okay! I was a pirate, I get it. Look, if you can't get over my pirate past, we'll never move forward!"


OSI Worker: "OSI can I help you?"

Jonas Venture Jr.: "Yes, this is Dr. Jonas Venture Jr. Can you connect me to the office of Arch Relations, Please.

OSI Worker: "This is OSI Dry Cleaning And Laundromat, I think you have the wrong number."

Jonas Venture Jr.: "I'm quite sure I dialed it correctly."

OSI Worker: "Yeah, and I'm quite sure I'm ironing a shirt. You have the wrong number there buddy."


The Pirate Captain: "Boss, there's someone knocking at the front door."

Jonas Venture Jr.: "Knock at the front door? This is an isolated island, who just drops by and knocks at the front door? I didn't even know we had a front door."


Mr. Doe: "Jonas Venture Jr?"

The Pirate Captain: "Oh, sorry matey, you want the boss man. I'll-"

Jonas Venture Jr.: "Is there a reason you just darted my man?

Mr. Doe: "I didn't see you down there. Jonas Venture Jr?"

Jonas Venture Jr.: "I am. So who are the dead men I'm speaking to?"

Mr. Doe: "That's a joke."

Mr. Cardholder: "Regular cut up."

Mr. Doe: "Should give him a reality show."

Mr. Cardholder: "I'd watch it."

Mr. Doe: "I'd watch it twice."

Mr. Cardholder: "Even if flavor flav was in it."

Mr. Doe: "My name is Mr. Doe and this is my associate Mr. Cardholder."

Mr. Cardholder: "Sorry about putting your man down."

Mr. Doe: "Precautionary."

Mr. Cardholder: "Harmless Tranquilizer Dart, you understand."

Jonas Venture Jr.: " Judging from you shoot first, ask questions later tactics, I'll just assume you men are with the OSI."

Mr. Doe: "OSI? Never heard of them."

Mr. Cardholder: "Doctor Venture, you know that the OSI denies any knowledge of the Guild of Calamitous Intent."

Jonas Venture Jr.: " I never mentioned the guild."

Mr. Cardholder: "No, but I did."

Mr. Doe: "We were just passing by and heard that you had a butterfly problem."

Mr. Cardholder: "And you see, me and my associate here are amateur Lepidopterists."

Jonas Venture Jr.: "You..... want to see my stamp collection?"

Mr. Doe: "Only if we were philatelists."

Mr. Cardholder: Which we aren't, Mr. Smart-guy."


Henchman 21: "That has a name? Listen dude, don't get cozy with us. Yeah, you're the guy that doesn't come back."

Henchman 24: "Yes, the guy that just shows up and nobody's seen before."

Henchman 21: "Like he's all professional, yeah, you're a gonner."

Henchman 24: "Let me tell you a story about a little henchman named Speedy."


The Pirate Captain: "So I'm a disappointment, I guess. Help the pirate. The pirate can't do anything for himself. Why are you such a bitch?! Like you're perfect."

Sally Impossible: "What has gotten into you?"

The Pirate Captain: "Sweet Tranquilizer dart, that's what. So get out, you're always trying to bring me down. And bring me a fucking sandwich!"


Mr.Cardholder: "The monarch has killed-"

Mr.Doe: "As in cold blooded murder."

Mr.Cardholder: "-his last five arch enemies. Now that sounds like a violation to me."

Mr. Doe: "Sounds like a violation to anyone with ears."

Jonas Venture Jr.: "So what now? I'm not sure what the proper procedure is for dealing with unhinged, and quite honestly incompetent arch enemies."

Mr.Cardholder: " We're recommending that you pin this butterfly to a piece of cardboard."

Mr.Doe: "As in cold blooded murder."


Ned: "Tickles."

Mr. Doe: "That's quite a monster you got. He have a lease?"

Mr. Cardholder: "I bet his eyes are as gooey as the next guys."

Ned: "Funny hat! Ned want funny hat!"

Mr. Doe: "Lower it Cardholder. He's daffy, head full of pudding."


Brock Samson: "Hey, no disrespect Jonas, but it isn't so easy. These guys like their system, it's what they do. You take that away and you are looking at a bunch of pissed off nut bags with ray guns, and giant, I don't know, a giant octopus slash tank with laser eyes.

Mr. Cardholder: "I've seen one of those."

Mr. Doe: "I like the cut of this guy's jib."

Mr. Cardholder: "I like the cut of his hair."

Jonas Venture Jr.: "Alright fine, now why don't we keep this traditional. This monarch character has broken some rules."

Mr. Cardholder: "If by rules you mean skulls."

Mr. Doe: "and if by broken you mean pulverized."


The Monarch: "Finally Vengeance is mine! Now which one of you idiots broke my wife?"


Henchman 1: "That tunnel down there leads to the main room. Take a deep breath, not sure how long it goes."

Henchman 24: "No way, I got freaked out when I had to do that playing Tomb Raider."

Henchman 21: "Oh and she did that creepy, drowning contortion thing. That was grizzly!"


Henchman 1: "Okay, fine, I'll go ahead alone."

Henchman 24: "Going alone. This is why you new guys always die. You just can't smell a cliche coming."

Henchman 21: "Dude, you are way to into this. Seriously, what kind of douche would blindly swim a underwater tunnel?

Henchman 1: "Then what?"

Henchman 21: "Yeah, how about going that way?"

Henchman 1: "It's hardly the best route."

Henchman 21: "Hands up, who peed in the water?


Mr. Cardholder: "If that were a woman, I'd marry it."

Mr. Doe: " And I'd jeopardize our friendship by nailing your hot wife."


Henchman 1: " And you guys think I'm gonna die. I carry my full compliment utilities."

Henchman 24: " He says as he electrocutes himself."

Henchman 1: " I'm not gonna die. Stop it!"

Henchman 24: " He grabs a bomb on accident right here. Kaboom!"

Henchman 1: " I'm not gonna die!"

Henchman 21: "Yeah, yeah,yeah, and then a snake jumps out and bites you right on your eye."

Henchman 1: " Stop it! Okay, done. Easy peasy. So now you know what the Dark S-Seven Maneuver is."

Henchman 24: " We do?"


Henchman 1: "This floor is laser trip wired. We have to find an alternate route."

Henchman 24: "Yeah, maybe over a shark tank, or something."

Henchman 21: "Yeah, you go off and meet your maker, while 24 and I keep going this way."

Henchman 1: "Okay, knock it off you guys. It's starting to get to me."

Henchman 21: "You still don't get it. 24 and I have been on like a thousand missions. We've been shot at, dipped in acid."

Henchman 24: "Brock Samson hit me with a car, drove right into my kidney. Here I am."

Henchman 21: "Yeah, we could walk across this floor and nothing would hit us. But then this like huge log would swing down and take your head off."

Henchman 24: "Right here. What's your name?"

Henchman 1: "Henchman number one."

Henchman 24: "See, you are nameless."

Henchman 1: " I'm Scott Hal. My name is Scott Hal, okay?!"

Henchman 24: " Nope, wont help."

Henchman 21: " Yeah, now it's just painful. You're dying in my lap and I'm all 'Scott, Scott don't you quit on us, don't you dare!'"

Henchman 24: " You just made your unavoidable death, more pathetic."

Henchman 21: " Fuck it, nothings going to happen to me."

Henchman 24: " Well?"

Henchman 1: " Oh, come on!"


Mr. Cardholder: "I have an intruder alert. Museum floor!"

Mr. Doe: "Who puts a museum on a hidden island fortress?"


Henchman 24: "I've always wanted to try this, but the opportunity never comes up!"

Henchman 21: "Yeah. Poor guy missed out on the greatest cliche in deception. Yeah, but then getting killed by Brock that is a glorious way for a henchman to go."

The Pirate Captain: " You guys are henchman, aye?"

Henchman 24: " Ahh, gees you're real."

The Pirate Captain: "Used to be. Say, you gents don't carry dart guns do ya'?"

Henchman 21: "Yeah, Tranquilizers. You're gonna rat us out?"

The Pirate Captain: "Not if you give me a hit a dart!"

Henchman 21: " You want to be shot with a tranquillizer dart?"

The Pirate Captain: "I have the dark monkey on me back! Just one man, after this one I'm going straight! Just need that one last Dart! Just one more."

Henchman 24: "Kay-

The Pirate Captain: "Just one more."

Henchman 24: "Dude you know this is creepy."

The Pirate Captain: "Right in the neck if you don't mind. Oooh, Yes, It's like getting sucked off by an angel. Sweet angel with a tranquillizer."


The Monarch: " I hate that you're my best men. Honestly."


The Monarch: " What happend to Henchman #1?"

Henchman 21: " Death by Samson."